That's like...Deep...man...

So, we see things by light reflecting off of objects into our eyes. It takes time for light to travel, it takes time for our eyes to send a signal to your brain, and time for your brain to interpret the signal. Anytime we see something, we're really seeing how that object was a fraction of a second ago. We're always seeing the past. Never mention this fact to someone tripping on acid, they will stare at a wall for five and a half hours trying to "See the present"...

I can't wait to get my new phone

I've had the same phone for a few years now and I'm really starting to hate it. Its got T9 on it and it remembers that I add in words to the dictionary, but I can't change or reset the dictionary. It gets so frustrating, because now it doesn't predict anything right! I tried to send my Mom a message that said "Thanks, I love you too" and all she got was "THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN!!"

Thats the last phone I buy in Alabama...

My Short Jokes

Is "Pokémon" Jamaican for gay sex?

I caught a woman shoplifting...at KFC...

NOTE TO SELF: Stop Making Notes To Self

Why do they put the slowest cashiers at the express lanes?

Fox added HD and Bill O'Reilly aged 20 years. I'm just waiting for CNN to catch up and show us that Larry King died back in 2000.

I overheard an obese woman at a deli say she needed to watch her "Tender Figure". She then asked for a double shot of oil be put on her sandwich.

I made the voices in my head mad and now they're giving me "The Silent Treatment". Am I better?

Never hook up a hose until you know where the other end is, especially with an enema

DO NOT play "Red Rover" with a wall

Could you blame a Narcoleptic for passing out after sex?